what it means to be me

My mind has a world of its own. There's no telling what's real from what's not. There's no order to it or any form of coherence. Just segments.

This is how it feels like to live in my brain: an unending adrenaline rush of distorted thoughts and ideas. Sometimes, they make sense. Most of the time, they contradict each other; hence why it never ends.

The point is, regardless of the fact that the brain may be logical and level-headed, I am ruled by how I feel. What my brain says, my emotions can't comprehend. Yes, the brain does make a good point and a logical one. But it can never really explain why I feel the emotions that I do and it never does know how to make it go away.

At the end of the day, I'm just drowning. And the feeling literally makes me hyperventilate and I find it hard to literally breath.

At the end of the day, I need to get away. I need A get away. Somewhere where I would constantly be lulled by the company of others and not left on my own. I need distractions. I need conversations. I need things to get me thinking about others before I drown inside my own brain.

Even then however, I still find myself irrevocably returning to the land where nightmare is literally featured 24/7.

With the shortest of silence multiplies the echoes of my struggle. That's when I try so hard to just stare into space and try to empty everything to keep me from taking that unwanted dive.

I have lucid moments when I know that my actions and thoughts have gone astray and are no longer right. Still, those are rare. And moments like this one, the one where I am trapped within my own prison, are moments when I just want everything to end.

The details aren't important. It's the feelings that keep me the way I am. And it's hard to make other people comprehend when they can't even begin to relate.

Sometimes I wish that there was a device that can make other people feel a glimpse of the emotion spectrum that I get to experience. Then they could better understand. Still, it would remain ultimately difficult since they have their own to manage and they only really ever have to experience a glimpse of mine.

This is why I'd rather save others the trouble of knowing. They wouldn't and couldn't understand no matter how hard they try.

I remain hopeful that someone could save me. The truth of the matter is, as hard a pill as it is to swallow, is that I'm eternally alone. My kind will never learn to dwell with others because it is how I am hard wired.

I am doing my best to stay in the present and hope to make the best of now to be able to look forward to tomorrow. Hope is only hope though. Sometimes I think it's more damaging to have hope than to have none at all.

Everyday is a struggle. I'm not happy and I think I never really was. It's something completely temporary and never long lasting for me.

It's easy to smile and laugh for the moment but for what it's worth, it's really not my reality. And now, I'm all out of tears to shed. All I want is comfort from someone who would always be there regardless of circumstance. All I want is my sister or my mother to hug tightly as I cry without tears. They are truly the only ones who could ever be there for me unconditionally.

Being this alone only makes the nightmare that is my brain worst. And it's even more heartbreaking that my attempts at finding peace has really led me nowhere.

I usually keep thoughts such as this private and written on my journal. Posting it publicly at this point makes more sense to me just in case someone seeks a justifiable reason to my future actions.

I tried. And I failed. And I've already been repeatedly attempting taking that road to peace without success.

Soon I hope that would all change.

Today was another failure though.

bottle happiness

oddly enough, the idea of this post was inspired by a line from the first Harry Potter book where the potions master, Professor Snape, delivers a speech to a first year Potions class.

the exact line he delivered, if my memory doesn't fail me is:

"I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, and even put a stopper in death..."

the harry potter series alone means a lot to me; more than words could ever express. and I have the amazing J.K. Rowling to thank for that. apart from filling my childhood with great memories, it also served as a comfort and hope in days where I felt most down.

though i knew that this great world that she created was only fiction, i remember thinking to my very young self that I fervently wished that the magical world was real. i knew better then and i definitely know much better now, but sometimes, i think things would be a little better if there was a bit of real magic in life.

say...if professor snape can bottle fame then the same could definitely be done with happiness. although i find it grand that J.K. has been great enough to elaborate fail-safes in the magical world she created to of course keep the check and balance in life.

say for example, in the magical world, a love potion only creates the illusion of love but not the real thing. analyzing it scientifically i guess what an illusion of love means is that it's just an induced chemical taken to force the production of a chemical produced in the human brain that is often interpreted as or called love; but it is by no means unconditional or genuine therefore it is an illusion.

because of this particular fail safe idea then i guess it would be reasonable to assume that the same could be said for a bottle of happiness. i guess even if magic did really exist, it would be logical for something like happiness to not be able to be genuinely bottled. otherwise, there would be no point in seeking it naturally.

human existence is defined by the experiences that only the enigma of life can provide. although it would be great if things could be easier.

it would be grand if true and genuine happiness could be bottled.

it would be nice to feel happy all the time.

then again...if life is only happiness then it wouldn't really be life and you wouldn't be really living.

a bottle of happiness i realized is just a means of an escape. a temporary sanctuary. but still something that couldn't last forever even if it's real.

the only upside to a bottle of happiness is that you can choose when you can be happy. and if life is giving you such a hard time and you can't take any of it any longer then you can escape to a temporary sanctuary of true happiness.

a temporary relief would be really great. the moderation to not abusing a bottle of happiness i guess would be it's scarcity. with so little then only at the worst of times would you ever be tempted to use it.

but this idea is just that. an idea.

though if you really think about it, happiness in real life is the same. it doesn't last forever and it sure doesn't last for long.

it's merely temporary and lasting in a moment that would be chronicled in a memory. you can access the memory but it would never really be quite the same.

i guess even without magic, a bottle of happiness can exist. and there's really no sense in bottling it if you can seek happiness just by indulging in things that can make you happy.

though i also guess it would be hard when you're just feeling numb to the world.

things just couldn't get any simpler no matter how hard you try.

the worst feeling in the world

is when you feel so alone.

No man is an island.

and I belatedly realize that this is the second time I'm blogging about this. Though it feels like it needs to be said more than once.

No one ever wants to feel alone or be alone. Ever. Yet the saddest thing is that when you're feeling down and ready to give up on the world, you realize that no one truly cares about you. And right now, that's exactly how I feel.

It's a bit morbid to blog about or to even think about. Not to mention, bold, considering that this entry is public. Most people don't feel too comfortable and open in admitting thoughts like these. In all honesty, I am as well.

As I type, I'm having second thoughts about whether to publish this or not. Then again, a positive side to publishing this is that an anonymous person who chances upon it could read my thoughts. And someone could actually care for a moment if not empathize. Even if it's just for a moment.

The truth is, everyone has a selfish side. When you're feeling down, you actually expect the world to feel down as well. The fact remains however that that's just not how life is. And seeing other people having fun and enjoying makes you feel even worse.

It makes you feel more alone.

Sometimes it's wrong to let yourself drown in that feeling. Sometimes, all you want is some little confirmation that you actually mean something to the people who mean something to you.

All that they're really capable of is feeding you some temporary bullshit when what they really care about is being a friend; they don't care about you. It's respectful and even expected to show concern but at the end of the day, it's really not their fucking problem. What they do is social protocol and if there's none then I bet they'd just leave you alone to deal with it because really, they don't care. Most of them are really just obligated to. That's how I feel.

It's really just the ultimate basic fact in life. Everyone's selfish. In your own world, there's only I and the rest are just little specks of inconsequential beings.

Then again, people just have to give more credence to the statement "The truth hurts" as more people realize it.

And it really does fucking hurt.

I know the right thoughts that I should be thinking. But it doesn't really change what I'm feeling.

passion?

I've read so many life stories, both fiction and non-fiction, of people who make such significant differences in the world with their simple contributions. And all of them were driven by a single motivation: passion.

It's amazing for me how this single word can encapsulate the driving force of what identifies a person's life. Who the person is. And what exactly the person does.

It's inspiring for me to read of such a wonderful motivational force from so many people. Of what defines what they do in their life and why they do it. And of the happiness and fulfillment that it brings to their lives. That I have tried searching my own passion; what am I passionate about?

Here I am, soon to be 20. And still, the answer to that question remains blank. Call me crazy for wanting to know what I am passionate about now but, is it too unrealistic to want to know as early as possible?

Some people term the thing that they are destined to be passionate about as their 'calling'. And I am aware that this calling may come as early as young-adulthood and as late as maybe even never. I've met some friends who found theirs during young-adulthood and I'm not ashamed to admit that I envy them.

I envy them because it's so amazing to hear someone talk about their 'calling' so passionately. To be happy despite all the hard work and the time that their 'calling' demands from them.

So damn happy.

So damn fulfilled.

I want to know what that's like so bad that I sometimes think it's only fiction.

How can it be fiction though. When I know and hear stories first hand from people who have it. Who basks in it.

Maybe what I'm experiencing right now can be classified as 'identity crisis' but I'm no shrink so I wouldn't know exactly.

I guess what I really long to find right now is what can bring me lasting happiness and a sense of fulfillment that I hear from most pepole. I want to make a difference. I want to contribute something of significance. Most of all I want to know what makes me passionate.

But all I am capable of right now is fabricating that kind of passion. I know the right words to say, I know the right phrases to write, and I know how to spin a web to form a perfect passionate contribution.

I have never known what it feels like to experience it first hand.

I try my best to do different things everyday. Dip a hand in whatever I can get my hands on. But all that ever seems to give me is frustration and sometimes even depression.

Most everyone follow the linear direction of typical life practice.

University -> Work to infinity -> Success

Right now I'm in between and I honestly don't feel any passion in the work that I do. I do it because it's what's expected of me. It's what I'm expected to do and at the end of the day, it's what I need to do. But not what I want to do. And yet I don't know what I want to do.

I feel so lost and I don't have a roadmap to follow. I feel like I'm floating in between and blindly groping for whatever's next. I don't have a clear view of my future. Only that I know I want to succeed. But to get there from here is still a complete mystery.

What do I live for? I honestly don't know. I mean I live for my loved ones but aside from them, what else is there in life?

Without meaning any offense to anyone else, I honestly don't want to live my life as a robot. Working because it means survival. Living everyday because you need to.

I don't see the point in trying to survive without anything to fight for. Without anything to be passionate about. That may just be me but this is my point of view. My selfish point of view because everything is all focused on me and my life. For which I am aware that not everyone shares.

perilous thoughts

I've been harbouring some perilous thoughts lately.

Most of them about life and how sometimes, it's just so unfair...

Some of them, I reluctantly admit, were spurred by a microscopic fit of envy. But doesn't everyone envy someone else or something else once in their lives? Doesn't everyone wish that they were someone else sometimes?

Social constructs are there from the very beginning and we have been living them from the very moment we started to learn. And now it leaves me curious.

How much of what we believe are what we truly believe and not just because everyone else believes them. You may think strongly about something. But this may have only been because you have grown to believe something else and your mental faculties can't simply accept that they do in fact, exist. This leads me to wonder if social influences can go so far as to corrupt emotions. Can you feel so strongly about a certain thing when you've only been raised to believe it? And how can you be swayed to feel otherwise and is it even possible to change?

Change in the monumental sense is a big ugly scary monster that's a spawn of fear. They say sometimes change can be good. And maybe that's all I need right now, in this moment, of my life.

This year is a time to reinvent.

But to reinvent what exactly is the starting point in this journey to a hopefully not so dark cavern of consciousness within my head.

Photo Source: http://fc03.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2010/219/d/d/On_the_Cliff_by_Seetho.jpg

It's the first day of another new year.

I am writing for a completely foreign reason today and not the usual reasons that compel me to blog. For your curiosity to peruse, they include the following:

1. A very strong emotion [anger, sadness/depression, happiness(rare)]
2. Inspired by something I saw or happened or read
3. Done for someone
4. Had a strong sense of desire to write

Today, as I write this, I am not compelled by any of the enumerated reasons above. I simply just decided to blog. Just cause. And albeit I'm feeling slightly forced while typing this, it is for a new cause. And no, I'm not writing this in celebration of the first day of the new year but simply because it is the first day of the new year.

I've been contemplating what to write about for some amount of time already. Not to mention I've been re-writing this entry for a number of times in that same amount of time as well.

Scanning quickly through this blog I've noticed that I've been very diverse in my writing styles. Each one seemingly written to fit the mood I was having when it was being typed then published. So, I'm thinking of trying to simply blog transparently this time and leave the cryptic thoughts and poetic tones for some other time when I'm experiencing a
somber mood.

...and with this I've decided to write about the most widely practiced tradition every year: writing a New Year's Resolution List.

Honestly, I've never been a true practioner of that particular social protocol. Not that I have anything against it. Maybe it's just because I've always been bad with keeping my own promises. Most of the time I try my best to abide by them but towards the end, the promises that were always strictly kept have always been for other people but never for myself. In retrospect, that reflects negatively on me but that's who I am.

Lists are great I suppose. Every person needs something to look forward to doing, reaching, achieving, and whatever -ing that gives us our own individual reasons to live life. But even lists aren't for everyone.

It's no surprise that every social practice and belief that people subscribe to differ in varying degrees and with different weights of significance. And it happens that I fall into one of those unofficially classified categories where lists aren't so important and helpful in any way at all.

Not that I've never tried writing a resolution list. I have...I think. It wasn't really effective I guess since I only have a vague memory of having done it and I suppose none of what was ever written was even remotely accomplished by yours truly.

I've always liked reflecting on things. And I guess I do that more than a lot and maybe moreso than many people I know. I'm a kind of analyze-the-situation-to-death type of person. But when I don't want to think, I don't think at all.

Which is why a resolution list never works for me.I mean, writing the list in the first place takes some amount of reflection and thought process. And I know that mine have never been well thought off making it plain useless, pointless, and forgettable.

The point that I'm trying to make, I guess, is do what works for you. Seems kind of lame and general and maybe even oddly cliche, I know. But for me it's a good thought to keep in mind always; no matter what you decide to do.

And for the very first day of the year, I won't write a list that I need to accomplish for the year. I only want to resonate a simple and short reminder to hopefully tide me over whatever challenges I might face in the coming months.

Do what works for you.

Photo Source: http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=new%20year&order=9&offset=24#/dg5d9o

I'd like to take a shot at FREEDOM. But it's boundless and flexible definition scares me.

Figuratively, there are a million things that I'd like to do, I'd like to try, and I'd like to say. But there remains the question of what exactly is FREEDOM. Where does it begin and end? Does it have a beginning and an end?

It's a concept that remains to be vague and countless definitions have been stacked upon it; seemingly trying to quantify or qualify it within a container that we all could accept and digest like a pill or a capsule.

How far can I go to test the unchartered waters of my own FREEDOM when I can concede that I am somewhat trapped within the box of what I consider to be my personal restrictions to maintain self preservation.

How can I possibly go out of my box to explore the nature of the word FREEDOM without causing partial if not complete havoc to my little shelter of a box.

I write in earnest as I ponder these things. And I no longer write in obligation as I have long forsaken the personal promise.

jumbled thoughts

...i have sadly neglected you.

there are about a billion and more thoughts currently racing through my head.

but to choose one would feel like neglecting all the hundreds of thousand others.

so for my own peace of mind, knowing that you wouldn't stay static long enough to attract the dust bunnies, here's a snapshot of my current frame of mind.

my emotions are set to nostalgic.

but also currently mellow.

and my thoughts are still wandering amongst the clouds...thinking...thinking...thinking...

hello YOU! when will you ever EVER show up?

Jungle of mess i tell you. Jungle of mess.

'Til another blog entry. Hope this gets sorted right.

what do you do

...when you meet someone who's fond of generalizations and who drops statements without any disclaimers? The usual answer would no doubt be, a feeling of annoyance toward said person. But what if you were forced to be stuck with said person for a period of time and you have absolutely no choice in the matter. You cannot choose to leave (unless you are willing to forfeit some sum of money) and you cannot choose to ignore (because you'll have to provide feedback on your time together). What would you do then? Well, quoting a favorite line...

"I'll just have to answer my own question."

The answer of course is to endure. Though not to endure alone, mind you. Now and then, enduring with some company helps lessen the weight of your predicament because others can empathize. And empathize with company we did.

This is not my usual cup of tea but for you? and for a friend?...I'll make an exception.

Today is the day that our time together expires and we are all extremely happy to bid you a hearty adieu. Though I am unsure if my statement stands for us all, I am sure that most that I know feels that way.

Note: See, i disclaim and not assume that everyone thinks so.

Should you be remiss to realize that this entry is dedicated to you, then, allow me to remedy my error by stating that this is for you Ms. Gasoline (as a friend so fondly nicknamed). And on behalf of most of us who share my personal sentiments, this is what we have to say...

It would be so rude to dismiss the time we spent together as a waste of space in our personal hard drives. And it would be absolutely improper to not acknowledge that despite everything that we've gone through, something was conveyed and acquired by our minds. So it is only right of us to take our white hats off and thank you for the moments of communal exasperation that you have provided us all and of course, let's not forget, even those information that we have not asked to learn.

Short as the time we have shared, it would be with great pleasure to say that we will miss you (simply because most of us would no longer have a reason to share infuriation) and that we really hope to get another opportunity to be yet again, stuck with someone like you.

However, as the author Oscar Wilde states (yes, some of us, although I am sure that most, do read and can quote), I am not young enough to know everything.

...and my judgement has already been marred by my growth. Therefore whatever that may have been said here may be true...or not.

Photo source: http://dark-scythe.deviantart.com/art/Goodbye-27610907?q=1&qo=1

fever

...can lead to a lot of things including a bout of lethargy and absolute laziness. but of course, how can you work properly when you're too busy being preoccupied by the very nasty dizzy spells and the very persistent episodes of nausea.

therefore I conclude that it is only justified that I have missed two days in my promise to blog, at the very least, once a day. however, that's just some bull crap reasoning to make myself feel better for skipping a commitment and a personal one no less.

so moving along...

Yours truly is now back in business with only an irritating dull ache in the head to deal with. and the topic for the day? adventures.

For an art course, we were forced to go down memory lane and hunt for pictures from the past in order to apply the design principles that we've learned. Naturally when one goes about doing such a thing, unless your heart's set in stone, you can't help but feel that flow of emotion that those old collection of pictures evoke.

Sifting through the photographs made me realize that the adventures do at some point, stop. It can be at any moment or period in time. But it does stop...or maybe just pause. You'll never truly know.

Though where it stops, a new adventure begins...but with different people and never the same ones. And that's what makes it so melancholy...the thought that though a new chapter of adventure begins, the previous chapter had to come to a close. It would be nice to revisit those old chapters, just for the sake of reliving the moment again. Yet that's the main reason why they now belong to the book of memories. Because that's what they are now; memories.

For every chapter of adventure that closes, a new one begins. However sometimes letting go of the old chapters that have already been committed to the book of the past is a veracity that is just...too hard to accept. Especially when you realize how much was lost when that chapter had to close.

That's the way how life is, nonetheless. C'est la vie. It's an unstoppable force that's married to time. The world changes everyday as it revolves about the axis and everyone, including you, has to grow up and change with it. And change isn't always bad...sometimes it's for the best.

Photo source: http://toxiclovekid.deviantart.com/art/A-Walk-To-Remember-88484097?q=1&qo=1

i find myself

searching for something to do. but in reality, I already have a long list of to do's waiting for me.

Yet strangely, I don't feel like being productive and I don't want to do them.

And at the very same time, I want to get started on them immediately because the time is ticking by and it would not pause and wait for me to get in the mood.

hmm...what to do. what to do?

maybe i'll get started on you schoolwork then move on to the other deadlines.

too many things to do...too lazy to pick myself up and start to work.

time oh time. please could you just freeze for a moment and wait for me to catch up?

I shall blog another day and leave with these useless musings.

smile

and the world will smile with you. frown and...technically you would never frown alone.

Anyone can list a million reasons to smile...though I bet, anyone can list more than a million reasons to frown.

The world is not a perfect place and every nook and cranny will possess a flaw that will make us pause...

and think: this isn't right

and then cause our faces to morph into an expression more popularly knows as a frown. Ideally it would be better to smile. And people have all these supporting trivial facts that says it takes more muscles to frown than to smile. Though have you ever tried smiling so much in a day? Have you ever smiled so much in a day and claim that you have not frowned - not even once - during that same day?

Well I wouldn't know about you but, I guess I have tried smiling so much in a day but I could never recall ever smiling so much and never frowning at all as well. Whatever the case, smiling is a healthy practice no matter what the situation you might find yourself holed in. Mind you, not the fake kind of smile practice, but the real ones are often accompanied by euphoria or simply a great deal of relief. It can even be kind of a pass over to help you overcome whatever tension you might be straining on. Sometimes it can even help you find momentary peace.

The best reason to smile?

...is to smile in appreciation of another day and to be thankful for that day and everything that you currently have in your life.

For which I do and for which I am. There may be more reasons to frown sometimes but the reasons to smile are the ones that come with memories we are bound to cherish in our lifetimes.

So smile. And the world will definitely smile with you. Though a frown would also be healthy every once in a while.

Photo source: http://thesweetblackmadness.deviantart.com/art/SMILE-128227821?q=1&qo=1

disappointment

is the first thing that you feel when you hear and witness something that seem so sad to even contemplate.

In order for there to be clarity in this discussion, a revisit on the previous phone conversation me and my mother had must be reviewed. The topic on the close acquaintances that our family kept was broached and me and my mother talked about how shallow most of them are. And it greatly disappointed me that the highest ambition they had in life was to simply marry into a rich family and that's about it. It's so disheartening to learn that there are people who see so little of the world and not the world in it's entirety and all the possibilities and opportunities it has to offer. The world is grand and it's massive and it's figuratively ours for the taking. So why not cease the day and live it to it's full potential? Carpe Diem!

and another disappointment today...

is to learn that those who you could really count on during the hardest moments in your life are very few. The word sadness can't even encapsulate the emotion that I feel right now. Only now have I realized that friendship is indeed a very rare luxury which you could treasure. But among those trinkets, only a handful are genuine precious stones whose worth could never be converted into any amount of money. Though this unhappy epiphany, I am ironically happy to have learned this valuable piece of information.

and thus a HUG is in order...

for only this kind of human comfort can remedy a feeling that can never be translated into mere words.

it has recently dawned

on me that...

and that it was very wrong of me to...because you...

as per usual this again adds to my list of regrets. But then the realization just dawned on me and it never occurred to me that you're one in a million and that you belong to that very few.

I wish I knew then what I know now.

Then...things might have turned out much differently.

But we can only so much dwell on regret for one moment. We can never really live in it forever. It took...to appreciate how much of a difference you've made in my life and it took...to realize how very rare you are. And now I'm...but then it's gone and I doubt it'll return and now you're already....

If only...if only...and if only.

There might even be more than a thousand if only's but it would not obscure the reality that I need to move on from this realization.

everything

has suddenly flown off through the window.

whoosh.

you wake up everyday

...but everyday is different from the previous day. There are some instances when it might feel the same. However although the sun sets and rises on the same horizon and although you sleep and wake up on the same bed, it doesn't mean that nothing changes while you were asleep.

You could feel that nothing has changed and you could feel the same as you wake up to another day but you could choose not to. You could choose to see the day as a tabula rasa of possibilities which you would later fill out as the minute and hour hand of the clock ticks on.

and I woke up today feeling as usual: impossibly lethargic.

...not to mention the additional migraine and the common cold. But then I really needed to get a move on with my to do list and so I decided to jump on the bandwagon and got things running on the race track to that finish line. Hopefully by the end of the day that list of to do's will be migrated to my tabula rasa list for today which shall be renamed to finished.

Coming home the previous night exhausted and with painfully dead feet became worth it with the thought that I had allowed myself some hours of de-stressing before dedicating my entire day today to work. A good movie and a healthy dose of friendship is a great prescription for that unavoidable strain of tension you get from school.

Wrapping up this pit-stop on the road to the finish line, I look forward to a very productive day.

hindi ko maintindihan

bakit may mga taong sadyang ganoon.

sadyang ayaw magpa-intindi sa ibang tao.

sadyang sarili lang iniisip.

sadyang pilit maging isang tao na hindi naman talaga siya.

sadyang iniidolo ang mga banyagang hindi naman kanais-nais ang pananaw sa buhay.

nakakasuklam! ngunit parang ang bigat ng salitang ito para sa mga taong sadyang ganoon.

siguro mas maigi ng pabayaan na lang sila sa kanilang mga pinaninindigan. pero sadyang hindi kayang iwasan madama ang inis.

sana lang...sana lang...

pero hindi ko talaga maintindihan!!!

there are too many things

...that you could think about in this world. And there are too many things that you might want to do but never get to do. And there are too many choices to make that it comes to a point that you might not even want to choose anymore.

I always feel strangely contemplative when I get sick. I don't know why that is...well I guess I do but sometimes...loneliness has the power to overwhelm you.

the feeling of being alone...

I can guarantee is the worst feeling in this world. Despite the presence of friends in your everyday life, there's no denying that you are alone when all you have to come home to is an empty room and the knowledge that no one's waiting for you.

Even though it's been three years already, having been used to come home where your family is all those previous years before is something that you would always tend to long for. There's no denying that there will be times when you want some time to yourself and I wouldn't deny that sometimes when I go home, I wish I were back here instead where I'm all alone...but...

company is company...

...and there's no better time to want some when you really need some. And I really wish my mom was here to take care of me...but she's not. And I really need to get used to that. I should get used to that. Because growing up means having to let go of all the constant things you used to rely on for strength...it's the only way to learn to stand on your own and be strong all on your own.

At the end of the day you'll always learn that you have to do things on your own. Think about things on your own. And ultimately, make all those daunting decisions on your own. Because no one's going to be there all the time to do that for you. We all are and all will be at some point in our lives...

all alone.

exhaustion

...consumed me last night as one would expect when you tag along with your dear sister and mother doing what they do best: shopping. Suffice it to say all those hours spent following them without thought resulted in a complete drain of energy. You would think that it would be enough reason for one to drop on the bed and let sleep take over but strange as it is, the motivation to work stimulated me to remain awake.

and thus so I have. and thus explains my lack of sleep.

...thus also explains the feeling of accomplishment albeit the actual accomplishment being on a remotely small scale.

Enduring a day of classes will tempt you to seek that evasive form of rest known as sleep.

and so I shall claim that desired rest and blog another day.

when the morning dawns

...and you realize that it's already past noon. There's nothing you can do to turn back time and you're left with three choices:

(1) move on and go about whatever you need to do or

(2) wallow in regret about all that lost time or

(3) do nothing and just sit in front of your computer, blogging about all these nonsense.

despite getting some sleep, recharged to face the day is far from becoming me. It would at some point be realized that refusing to face what needs to be done is simply no other than procrastination. But sometimes when there's just no motivation to do anything other than sit and type and stare...well, how can you move to do productive things?

stare.

Oftentimes staring into space and forgetting all the worries in life becomes a very appealing practice. But then you always have to come back to reality and all the things that desperately calls for your attention comes screaming at you to be done with them and move ahead.

like most of the schoolwork I have lying around waiting to be done.

I will get to you at some point today when evading your current presence in my life becomes an impossible feat to ignore. Right now I comfort myself with the feeling of calmness at the thought that in a while, I'm going to stand up and get ready to face a different distraction and when I'm done with that, deal with the box of things to do that necessitates some serious consideration.

Some things will get done today. And yes, they include you schoolwork.