passion?

I've read so many life stories, both fiction and non-fiction, of people who make such significant differences in the world with their simple contributions. And all of them were driven by a single motivation: passion.

It's amazing for me how this single word can encapsulate the driving force of what identifies a person's life. Who the person is. And what exactly the person does.

It's inspiring for me to read of such a wonderful motivational force from so many people. Of what defines what they do in their life and why they do it. And of the happiness and fulfillment that it brings to their lives. That I have tried searching my own passion; what am I passionate about?

Here I am, soon to be 20. And still, the answer to that question remains blank. Call me crazy for wanting to know what I am passionate about now but, is it too unrealistic to want to know as early as possible?

Some people term the thing that they are destined to be passionate about as their 'calling'. And I am aware that this calling may come as early as young-adulthood and as late as maybe even never. I've met some friends who found theirs during young-adulthood and I'm not ashamed to admit that I envy them.

I envy them because it's so amazing to hear someone talk about their 'calling' so passionately. To be happy despite all the hard work and the time that their 'calling' demands from them.

So damn happy.

So damn fulfilled.

I want to know what that's like so bad that I sometimes think it's only fiction.

How can it be fiction though. When I know and hear stories first hand from people who have it. Who basks in it.

Maybe what I'm experiencing right now can be classified as 'identity crisis' but I'm no shrink so I wouldn't know exactly.

I guess what I really long to find right now is what can bring me lasting happiness and a sense of fulfillment that I hear from most pepole. I want to make a difference. I want to contribute something of significance. Most of all I want to know what makes me passionate.

But all I am capable of right now is fabricating that kind of passion. I know the right words to say, I know the right phrases to write, and I know how to spin a web to form a perfect passionate contribution.

I have never known what it feels like to experience it first hand.

I try my best to do different things everyday. Dip a hand in whatever I can get my hands on. But all that ever seems to give me is frustration and sometimes even depression.

Most everyone follow the linear direction of typical life practice.

University -> Work to infinity -> Success

Right now I'm in between and I honestly don't feel any passion in the work that I do. I do it because it's what's expected of me. It's what I'm expected to do and at the end of the day, it's what I need to do. But not what I want to do. And yet I don't know what I want to do.

I feel so lost and I don't have a roadmap to follow. I feel like I'm floating in between and blindly groping for whatever's next. I don't have a clear view of my future. Only that I know I want to succeed. But to get there from here is still a complete mystery.

What do I live for? I honestly don't know. I mean I live for my loved ones but aside from them, what else is there in life?

Without meaning any offense to anyone else, I honestly don't want to live my life as a robot. Working because it means survival. Living everyday because you need to.

I don't see the point in trying to survive without anything to fight for. Without anything to be passionate about. That may just be me but this is my point of view. My selfish point of view because everything is all focused on me and my life. For which I am aware that not everyone shares.