what it means to be me

My mind has a world of its own. There's no telling what's real from what's not. There's no order to it or any form of coherence. Just segments.

This is how it feels like to live in my brain: an unending adrenaline rush of distorted thoughts and ideas. Sometimes, they make sense. Most of the time, they contradict each other; hence why it never ends.

The point is, regardless of the fact that the brain may be logical and level-headed, I am ruled by how I feel. What my brain says, my emotions can't comprehend. Yes, the brain does make a good point and a logical one. But it can never really explain why I feel the emotions that I do and it never does know how to make it go away.

At the end of the day, I'm just drowning. And the feeling literally makes me hyperventilate and I find it hard to literally breath.

At the end of the day, I need to get away. I need A get away. Somewhere where I would constantly be lulled by the company of others and not left on my own. I need distractions. I need conversations. I need things to get me thinking about others before I drown inside my own brain.

Even then however, I still find myself irrevocably returning to the land where nightmare is literally featured 24/7.

With the shortest of silence multiplies the echoes of my struggle. That's when I try so hard to just stare into space and try to empty everything to keep me from taking that unwanted dive.

I have lucid moments when I know that my actions and thoughts have gone astray and are no longer right. Still, those are rare. And moments like this one, the one where I am trapped within my own prison, are moments when I just want everything to end.

The details aren't important. It's the feelings that keep me the way I am. And it's hard to make other people comprehend when they can't even begin to relate.

Sometimes I wish that there was a device that can make other people feel a glimpse of the emotion spectrum that I get to experience. Then they could better understand. Still, it would remain ultimately difficult since they have their own to manage and they only really ever have to experience a glimpse of mine.

This is why I'd rather save others the trouble of knowing. They wouldn't and couldn't understand no matter how hard they try.

I remain hopeful that someone could save me. The truth of the matter is, as hard a pill as it is to swallow, is that I'm eternally alone. My kind will never learn to dwell with others because it is how I am hard wired.

I am doing my best to stay in the present and hope to make the best of now to be able to look forward to tomorrow. Hope is only hope though. Sometimes I think it's more damaging to have hope than to have none at all.

Everyday is a struggle. I'm not happy and I think I never really was. It's something completely temporary and never long lasting for me.

It's easy to smile and laugh for the moment but for what it's worth, it's really not my reality. And now, I'm all out of tears to shed. All I want is comfort from someone who would always be there regardless of circumstance. All I want is my sister or my mother to hug tightly as I cry without tears. They are truly the only ones who could ever be there for me unconditionally.

Being this alone only makes the nightmare that is my brain worst. And it's even more heartbreaking that my attempts at finding peace has really led me nowhere.

I usually keep thoughts such as this private and written on my journal. Posting it publicly at this point makes more sense to me just in case someone seeks a justifiable reason to my future actions.

I tried. And I failed. And I've already been repeatedly attempting taking that road to peace without success.

Soon I hope that would all change.

Today was another failure though.