perilous thoughts

I've been harbouring some perilous thoughts lately.

Most of them about life and how sometimes, it's just so unfair...

Some of them, I reluctantly admit, were spurred by a microscopic fit of envy. But doesn't everyone envy someone else or something else once in their lives? Doesn't everyone wish that they were someone else sometimes?

Social constructs are there from the very beginning and we have been living them from the very moment we started to learn. And now it leaves me curious.

How much of what we believe are what we truly believe and not just because everyone else believes them. You may think strongly about something. But this may have only been because you have grown to believe something else and your mental faculties can't simply accept that they do in fact, exist. This leads me to wonder if social influences can go so far as to corrupt emotions. Can you feel so strongly about a certain thing when you've only been raised to believe it? And how can you be swayed to feel otherwise and is it even possible to change?

Change in the monumental sense is a big ugly scary monster that's a spawn of fear. They say sometimes change can be good. And maybe that's all I need right now, in this moment, of my life.

This year is a time to reinvent.

But to reinvent what exactly is the starting point in this journey to a hopefully not so dark cavern of consciousness within my head.

Photo Source: http://fc03.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2010/219/d/d/On_the_Cliff_by_Seetho.jpg

It's the first day of another new year.

I am writing for a completely foreign reason today and not the usual reasons that compel me to blog. For your curiosity to peruse, they include the following:

1. A very strong emotion [anger, sadness/depression, happiness(rare)]
2. Inspired by something I saw or happened or read
3. Done for someone
4. Had a strong sense of desire to write

Today, as I write this, I am not compelled by any of the enumerated reasons above. I simply just decided to blog. Just cause. And albeit I'm feeling slightly forced while typing this, it is for a new cause. And no, I'm not writing this in celebration of the first day of the new year but simply because it is the first day of the new year.

I've been contemplating what to write about for some amount of time already. Not to mention I've been re-writing this entry for a number of times in that same amount of time as well.

Scanning quickly through this blog I've noticed that I've been very diverse in my writing styles. Each one seemingly written to fit the mood I was having when it was being typed then published. So, I'm thinking of trying to simply blog transparently this time and leave the cryptic thoughts and poetic tones for some other time when I'm experiencing a
somber mood.

...and with this I've decided to write about the most widely practiced tradition every year: writing a New Year's Resolution List.

Honestly, I've never been a true practioner of that particular social protocol. Not that I have anything against it. Maybe it's just because I've always been bad with keeping my own promises. Most of the time I try my best to abide by them but towards the end, the promises that were always strictly kept have always been for other people but never for myself. In retrospect, that reflects negatively on me but that's who I am.

Lists are great I suppose. Every person needs something to look forward to doing, reaching, achieving, and whatever -ing that gives us our own individual reasons to live life. But even lists aren't for everyone.

It's no surprise that every social practice and belief that people subscribe to differ in varying degrees and with different weights of significance. And it happens that I fall into one of those unofficially classified categories where lists aren't so important and helpful in any way at all.

Not that I've never tried writing a resolution list. I have...I think. It wasn't really effective I guess since I only have a vague memory of having done it and I suppose none of what was ever written was even remotely accomplished by yours truly.

I've always liked reflecting on things. And I guess I do that more than a lot and maybe moreso than many people I know. I'm a kind of analyze-the-situation-to-death type of person. But when I don't want to think, I don't think at all.

Which is why a resolution list never works for me.I mean, writing the list in the first place takes some amount of reflection and thought process. And I know that mine have never been well thought off making it plain useless, pointless, and forgettable.

The point that I'm trying to make, I guess, is do what works for you. Seems kind of lame and general and maybe even oddly cliche, I know. But for me it's a good thought to keep in mind always; no matter what you decide to do.

And for the very first day of the year, I won't write a list that I need to accomplish for the year. I only want to resonate a simple and short reminder to hopefully tide me over whatever challenges I might face in the coming months.

Do what works for you.

Photo Source: http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=new%20year&order=9&offset=24#/dg5d9o

I'd like to take a shot at FREEDOM. But it's boundless and flexible definition scares me.

Figuratively, there are a million things that I'd like to do, I'd like to try, and I'd like to say. But there remains the question of what exactly is FREEDOM. Where does it begin and end? Does it have a beginning and an end?

It's a concept that remains to be vague and countless definitions have been stacked upon it; seemingly trying to quantify or qualify it within a container that we all could accept and digest like a pill or a capsule.

How far can I go to test the unchartered waters of my own FREEDOM when I can concede that I am somewhat trapped within the box of what I consider to be my personal restrictions to maintain self preservation.

How can I possibly go out of my box to explore the nature of the word FREEDOM without causing partial if not complete havoc to my little shelter of a box.

I write in earnest as I ponder these things. And I no longer write in obligation as I have long forsaken the personal promise.

jumbled thoughts

...i have sadly neglected you.

there are about a billion and more thoughts currently racing through my head.

but to choose one would feel like neglecting all the hundreds of thousand others.

so for my own peace of mind, knowing that you wouldn't stay static long enough to attract the dust bunnies, here's a snapshot of my current frame of mind.

my emotions are set to nostalgic.

but also currently mellow.

and my thoughts are still wandering amongst the clouds...thinking...thinking...thinking...

hello YOU! when will you ever EVER show up?

Jungle of mess i tell you. Jungle of mess.

'Til another blog entry. Hope this gets sorted right.

what do you do

...when you meet someone who's fond of generalizations and who drops statements without any disclaimers? The usual answer would no doubt be, a feeling of annoyance toward said person. But what if you were forced to be stuck with said person for a period of time and you have absolutely no choice in the matter. You cannot choose to leave (unless you are willing to forfeit some sum of money) and you cannot choose to ignore (because you'll have to provide feedback on your time together). What would you do then? Well, quoting a favorite line...

"I'll just have to answer my own question."

The answer of course is to endure. Though not to endure alone, mind you. Now and then, enduring with some company helps lessen the weight of your predicament because others can empathize. And empathize with company we did.

This is not my usual cup of tea but for you? and for a friend?...I'll make an exception.

Today is the day that our time together expires and we are all extremely happy to bid you a hearty adieu. Though I am unsure if my statement stands for us all, I am sure that most that I know feels that way.

Note: See, i disclaim and not assume that everyone thinks so.

Should you be remiss to realize that this entry is dedicated to you, then, allow me to remedy my error by stating that this is for you Ms. Gasoline (as a friend so fondly nicknamed). And on behalf of most of us who share my personal sentiments, this is what we have to say...

It would be so rude to dismiss the time we spent together as a waste of space in our personal hard drives. And it would be absolutely improper to not acknowledge that despite everything that we've gone through, something was conveyed and acquired by our minds. So it is only right of us to take our white hats off and thank you for the moments of communal exasperation that you have provided us all and of course, let's not forget, even those information that we have not asked to learn.

Short as the time we have shared, it would be with great pleasure to say that we will miss you (simply because most of us would no longer have a reason to share infuriation) and that we really hope to get another opportunity to be yet again, stuck with someone like you.

However, as the author Oscar Wilde states (yes, some of us, although I am sure that most, do read and can quote), I am not young enough to know everything.

...and my judgement has already been marred by my growth. Therefore whatever that may have been said here may be true...or not.

Photo source: http://dark-scythe.deviantart.com/art/Goodbye-27610907?q=1&qo=1

fever

...can lead to a lot of things including a bout of lethargy and absolute laziness. but of course, how can you work properly when you're too busy being preoccupied by the very nasty dizzy spells and the very persistent episodes of nausea.

therefore I conclude that it is only justified that I have missed two days in my promise to blog, at the very least, once a day. however, that's just some bull crap reasoning to make myself feel better for skipping a commitment and a personal one no less.

so moving along...

Yours truly is now back in business with only an irritating dull ache in the head to deal with. and the topic for the day? adventures.

For an art course, we were forced to go down memory lane and hunt for pictures from the past in order to apply the design principles that we've learned. Naturally when one goes about doing such a thing, unless your heart's set in stone, you can't help but feel that flow of emotion that those old collection of pictures evoke.

Sifting through the photographs made me realize that the adventures do at some point, stop. It can be at any moment or period in time. But it does stop...or maybe just pause. You'll never truly know.

Though where it stops, a new adventure begins...but with different people and never the same ones. And that's what makes it so melancholy...the thought that though a new chapter of adventure begins, the previous chapter had to come to a close. It would be nice to revisit those old chapters, just for the sake of reliving the moment again. Yet that's the main reason why they now belong to the book of memories. Because that's what they are now; memories.

For every chapter of adventure that closes, a new one begins. However sometimes letting go of the old chapters that have already been committed to the book of the past is a veracity that is just...too hard to accept. Especially when you realize how much was lost when that chapter had to close.

That's the way how life is, nonetheless. C'est la vie. It's an unstoppable force that's married to time. The world changes everyday as it revolves about the axis and everyone, including you, has to grow up and change with it. And change isn't always bad...sometimes it's for the best.

Photo source: http://toxiclovekid.deviantart.com/art/A-Walk-To-Remember-88484097?q=1&qo=1

i find myself

searching for something to do. but in reality, I already have a long list of to do's waiting for me.

Yet strangely, I don't feel like being productive and I don't want to do them.

And at the very same time, I want to get started on them immediately because the time is ticking by and it would not pause and wait for me to get in the mood.

hmm...what to do. what to do?

maybe i'll get started on you schoolwork then move on to the other deadlines.

too many things to do...too lazy to pick myself up and start to work.

time oh time. please could you just freeze for a moment and wait for me to catch up?

I shall blog another day and leave with these useless musings.