I'd like to take a shot at FREEDOM. But it's boundless and flexible definition scares me.

Figuratively, there are a million things that I'd like to do, I'd like to try, and I'd like to say. But there remains the question of what exactly is FREEDOM. Where does it begin and end? Does it have a beginning and an end?

It's a concept that remains to be vague and countless definitions have been stacked upon it; seemingly trying to quantify or qualify it within a container that we all could accept and digest like a pill or a capsule.

How far can I go to test the unchartered waters of my own FREEDOM when I can concede that I am somewhat trapped within the box of what I consider to be my personal restrictions to maintain self preservation.

How can I possibly go out of my box to explore the nature of the word FREEDOM without causing partial if not complete havoc to my little shelter of a box.

I write in earnest as I ponder these things. And I no longer write in obligation as I have long forsaken the personal promise.

jumbled thoughts

...i have sadly neglected you.

there are about a billion and more thoughts currently racing through my head.

but to choose one would feel like neglecting all the hundreds of thousand others.

so for my own peace of mind, knowing that you wouldn't stay static long enough to attract the dust bunnies, here's a snapshot of my current frame of mind.

my emotions are set to nostalgic.

but also currently mellow.

and my thoughts are still wandering amongst the clouds...thinking...thinking...thinking...

hello YOU! when will you ever EVER show up?

Jungle of mess i tell you. Jungle of mess.

'Til another blog entry. Hope this gets sorted right.

what do you do

...when you meet someone who's fond of generalizations and who drops statements without any disclaimers? The usual answer would no doubt be, a feeling of annoyance toward said person. But what if you were forced to be stuck with said person for a period of time and you have absolutely no choice in the matter. You cannot choose to leave (unless you are willing to forfeit some sum of money) and you cannot choose to ignore (because you'll have to provide feedback on your time together). What would you do then? Well, quoting a favorite line...

"I'll just have to answer my own question."

The answer of course is to endure. Though not to endure alone, mind you. Now and then, enduring with some company helps lessen the weight of your predicament because others can empathize. And empathize with company we did.

This is not my usual cup of tea but for you? and for a friend?...I'll make an exception.

Today is the day that our time together expires and we are all extremely happy to bid you a hearty adieu. Though I am unsure if my statement stands for us all, I am sure that most that I know feels that way.

Note: See, i disclaim and not assume that everyone thinks so.

Should you be remiss to realize that this entry is dedicated to you, then, allow me to remedy my error by stating that this is for you Ms. Gasoline (as a friend so fondly nicknamed). And on behalf of most of us who share my personal sentiments, this is what we have to say...

It would be so rude to dismiss the time we spent together as a waste of space in our personal hard drives. And it would be absolutely improper to not acknowledge that despite everything that we've gone through, something was conveyed and acquired by our minds. So it is only right of us to take our white hats off and thank you for the moments of communal exasperation that you have provided us all and of course, let's not forget, even those information that we have not asked to learn.

Short as the time we have shared, it would be with great pleasure to say that we will miss you (simply because most of us would no longer have a reason to share infuriation) and that we really hope to get another opportunity to be yet again, stuck with someone like you.

However, as the author Oscar Wilde states (yes, some of us, although I am sure that most, do read and can quote), I am not young enough to know everything.

...and my judgement has already been marred by my growth. Therefore whatever that may have been said here may be true...or not.

Photo source: http://dark-scythe.deviantart.com/art/Goodbye-27610907?q=1&qo=1

fever

...can lead to a lot of things including a bout of lethargy and absolute laziness. but of course, how can you work properly when you're too busy being preoccupied by the very nasty dizzy spells and the very persistent episodes of nausea.

therefore I conclude that it is only justified that I have missed two days in my promise to blog, at the very least, once a day. however, that's just some bull crap reasoning to make myself feel better for skipping a commitment and a personal one no less.

so moving along...

Yours truly is now back in business with only an irritating dull ache in the head to deal with. and the topic for the day? adventures.

For an art course, we were forced to go down memory lane and hunt for pictures from the past in order to apply the design principles that we've learned. Naturally when one goes about doing such a thing, unless your heart's set in stone, you can't help but feel that flow of emotion that those old collection of pictures evoke.

Sifting through the photographs made me realize that the adventures do at some point, stop. It can be at any moment or period in time. But it does stop...or maybe just pause. You'll never truly know.

Though where it stops, a new adventure begins...but with different people and never the same ones. And that's what makes it so melancholy...the thought that though a new chapter of adventure begins, the previous chapter had to come to a close. It would be nice to revisit those old chapters, just for the sake of reliving the moment again. Yet that's the main reason why they now belong to the book of memories. Because that's what they are now; memories.

For every chapter of adventure that closes, a new one begins. However sometimes letting go of the old chapters that have already been committed to the book of the past is a veracity that is just...too hard to accept. Especially when you realize how much was lost when that chapter had to close.

That's the way how life is, nonetheless. C'est la vie. It's an unstoppable force that's married to time. The world changes everyday as it revolves about the axis and everyone, including you, has to grow up and change with it. And change isn't always bad...sometimes it's for the best.

Photo source: http://toxiclovekid.deviantart.com/art/A-Walk-To-Remember-88484097?q=1&qo=1

i find myself

searching for something to do. but in reality, I already have a long list of to do's waiting for me.

Yet strangely, I don't feel like being productive and I don't want to do them.

And at the very same time, I want to get started on them immediately because the time is ticking by and it would not pause and wait for me to get in the mood.

hmm...what to do. what to do?

maybe i'll get started on you schoolwork then move on to the other deadlines.

too many things to do...too lazy to pick myself up and start to work.

time oh time. please could you just freeze for a moment and wait for me to catch up?

I shall blog another day and leave with these useless musings.

smile

and the world will smile with you. frown and...technically you would never frown alone.

Anyone can list a million reasons to smile...though I bet, anyone can list more than a million reasons to frown.

The world is not a perfect place and every nook and cranny will possess a flaw that will make us pause...

and think: this isn't right

and then cause our faces to morph into an expression more popularly knows as a frown. Ideally it would be better to smile. And people have all these supporting trivial facts that says it takes more muscles to frown than to smile. Though have you ever tried smiling so much in a day? Have you ever smiled so much in a day and claim that you have not frowned - not even once - during that same day?

Well I wouldn't know about you but, I guess I have tried smiling so much in a day but I could never recall ever smiling so much and never frowning at all as well. Whatever the case, smiling is a healthy practice no matter what the situation you might find yourself holed in. Mind you, not the fake kind of smile practice, but the real ones are often accompanied by euphoria or simply a great deal of relief. It can even be kind of a pass over to help you overcome whatever tension you might be straining on. Sometimes it can even help you find momentary peace.

The best reason to smile?

...is to smile in appreciation of another day and to be thankful for that day and everything that you currently have in your life.

For which I do and for which I am. There may be more reasons to frown sometimes but the reasons to smile are the ones that come with memories we are bound to cherish in our lifetimes.

So smile. And the world will definitely smile with you. Though a frown would also be healthy every once in a while.

Photo source: http://thesweetblackmadness.deviantart.com/art/SMILE-128227821?q=1&qo=1

disappointment

is the first thing that you feel when you hear and witness something that seem so sad to even contemplate.

In order for there to be clarity in this discussion, a revisit on the previous phone conversation me and my mother had must be reviewed. The topic on the close acquaintances that our family kept was broached and me and my mother talked about how shallow most of them are. And it greatly disappointed me that the highest ambition they had in life was to simply marry into a rich family and that's about it. It's so disheartening to learn that there are people who see so little of the world and not the world in it's entirety and all the possibilities and opportunities it has to offer. The world is grand and it's massive and it's figuratively ours for the taking. So why not cease the day and live it to it's full potential? Carpe Diem!

and another disappointment today...

is to learn that those who you could really count on during the hardest moments in your life are very few. The word sadness can't even encapsulate the emotion that I feel right now. Only now have I realized that friendship is indeed a very rare luxury which you could treasure. But among those trinkets, only a handful are genuine precious stones whose worth could never be converted into any amount of money. Though this unhappy epiphany, I am ironically happy to have learned this valuable piece of information.

and thus a HUG is in order...

for only this kind of human comfort can remedy a feeling that can never be translated into mere words.

it has recently dawned

on me that...

and that it was very wrong of me to...because you...

as per usual this again adds to my list of regrets. But then the realization just dawned on me and it never occurred to me that you're one in a million and that you belong to that very few.

I wish I knew then what I know now.

Then...things might have turned out much differently.

But we can only so much dwell on regret for one moment. We can never really live in it forever. It took...to appreciate how much of a difference you've made in my life and it took...to realize how very rare you are. And now I'm...but then it's gone and I doubt it'll return and now you're already....

If only...if only...and if only.

There might even be more than a thousand if only's but it would not obscure the reality that I need to move on from this realization.

everything

has suddenly flown off through the window.

whoosh.

you wake up everyday

...but everyday is different from the previous day. There are some instances when it might feel the same. However although the sun sets and rises on the same horizon and although you sleep and wake up on the same bed, it doesn't mean that nothing changes while you were asleep.

You could feel that nothing has changed and you could feel the same as you wake up to another day but you could choose not to. You could choose to see the day as a tabula rasa of possibilities which you would later fill out as the minute and hour hand of the clock ticks on.

and I woke up today feeling as usual: impossibly lethargic.

...not to mention the additional migraine and the common cold. But then I really needed to get a move on with my to do list and so I decided to jump on the bandwagon and got things running on the race track to that finish line. Hopefully by the end of the day that list of to do's will be migrated to my tabula rasa list for today which shall be renamed to finished.

Coming home the previous night exhausted and with painfully dead feet became worth it with the thought that I had allowed myself some hours of de-stressing before dedicating my entire day today to work. A good movie and a healthy dose of friendship is a great prescription for that unavoidable strain of tension you get from school.

Wrapping up this pit-stop on the road to the finish line, I look forward to a very productive day.

hindi ko maintindihan

bakit may mga taong sadyang ganoon.

sadyang ayaw magpa-intindi sa ibang tao.

sadyang sarili lang iniisip.

sadyang pilit maging isang tao na hindi naman talaga siya.

sadyang iniidolo ang mga banyagang hindi naman kanais-nais ang pananaw sa buhay.

nakakasuklam! ngunit parang ang bigat ng salitang ito para sa mga taong sadyang ganoon.

siguro mas maigi ng pabayaan na lang sila sa kanilang mga pinaninindigan. pero sadyang hindi kayang iwasan madama ang inis.

sana lang...sana lang...

pero hindi ko talaga maintindihan!!!

there are too many things

...that you could think about in this world. And there are too many things that you might want to do but never get to do. And there are too many choices to make that it comes to a point that you might not even want to choose anymore.

I always feel strangely contemplative when I get sick. I don't know why that is...well I guess I do but sometimes...loneliness has the power to overwhelm you.

the feeling of being alone...

I can guarantee is the worst feeling in this world. Despite the presence of friends in your everyday life, there's no denying that you are alone when all you have to come home to is an empty room and the knowledge that no one's waiting for you.

Even though it's been three years already, having been used to come home where your family is all those previous years before is something that you would always tend to long for. There's no denying that there will be times when you want some time to yourself and I wouldn't deny that sometimes when I go home, I wish I were back here instead where I'm all alone...but...

company is company...

...and there's no better time to want some when you really need some. And I really wish my mom was here to take care of me...but she's not. And I really need to get used to that. I should get used to that. Because growing up means having to let go of all the constant things you used to rely on for strength...it's the only way to learn to stand on your own and be strong all on your own.

At the end of the day you'll always learn that you have to do things on your own. Think about things on your own. And ultimately, make all those daunting decisions on your own. Because no one's going to be there all the time to do that for you. We all are and all will be at some point in our lives...

all alone.

exhaustion

...consumed me last night as one would expect when you tag along with your dear sister and mother doing what they do best: shopping. Suffice it to say all those hours spent following them without thought resulted in a complete drain of energy. You would think that it would be enough reason for one to drop on the bed and let sleep take over but strange as it is, the motivation to work stimulated me to remain awake.

and thus so I have. and thus explains my lack of sleep.

...thus also explains the feeling of accomplishment albeit the actual accomplishment being on a remotely small scale.

Enduring a day of classes will tempt you to seek that evasive form of rest known as sleep.

and so I shall claim that desired rest and blog another day.

when the morning dawns

...and you realize that it's already past noon. There's nothing you can do to turn back time and you're left with three choices:

(1) move on and go about whatever you need to do or

(2) wallow in regret about all that lost time or

(3) do nothing and just sit in front of your computer, blogging about all these nonsense.

despite getting some sleep, recharged to face the day is far from becoming me. It would at some point be realized that refusing to face what needs to be done is simply no other than procrastination. But sometimes when there's just no motivation to do anything other than sit and type and stare...well, how can you move to do productive things?

stare.

Oftentimes staring into space and forgetting all the worries in life becomes a very appealing practice. But then you always have to come back to reality and all the things that desperately calls for your attention comes screaming at you to be done with them and move ahead.

like most of the schoolwork I have lying around waiting to be done.

I will get to you at some point today when evading your current presence in my life becomes an impossible feat to ignore. Right now I comfort myself with the feeling of calmness at the thought that in a while, I'm going to stand up and get ready to face a different distraction and when I'm done with that, deal with the box of things to do that necessitates some serious consideration.

Some things will get done today. And yes, they include you schoolwork.

toxic sorrow

Sometimes you feel like you're drowning in this endless sea of bitter water where you can never touch the bottom and you can never ever hold on to anything but yourself.

afloat.

in the sea where no other person will ever be. only you.

It's hard to relate to someone who would never understand. who could never understand a feeling that will eternally be hard to put into words.

but then it gets you thinking. How can you ever encapsulate such toxic sorrow that you yourself couldn't even begin to understand?

Sometimes turning on the music and getting lost into the melody can bring a little bit of serenity to that unknown feeling; even losing yourself to conversations filled with endless nothings to take your mind off that feeling temporarily.

At the end of the day, there's no escape. There's no route that you can take to ride that highway everyone's taking.

At the end of the day, I'll constantly find myself enclosed within these four white walls that breeds misery for my company.

there will always be a brief illusion of euphoria before the truth of reality slams down on you. there will always be a cure to an illness but there will never be a complete remedy.

New Beginnings

So I figured.

I always say goodbye but never a hearty hello. I have always looked back on what I've left behind and never reflected on what I have now and what I can have tomorrow.

This is a time for new beginnings where I can finally say "Hello" without all the emotional baggage that I usually drag with me.

So "Hello". This is me:

- cutting back the useless ramblings

- doing without the pointless rantings

- and finally letting go of the never endings.

Just a day to day person trying to make the most of my life intuitively.